-

incorrect when I thought I had written everything there was to write
as im recently making new friends
confiding in someone new and realising he is someone I can trust more
than most others
my sense of comfortability is increasing
and im finding it excessively easier to be myself
im drawing the conclusion that im a lot happier than I once was
this is an ideal ending

-

juxtaposed emotions colliding as the holidays draw to a close
im completely content with zac jory <3
doubts once had are slowly fading
im accepting and am slowly becoming familiar with reality
bcoming comfortable with how things are
in contrast is the thought of returning to school for the remainder of
my hsc year
its actually quite terrifying
perhaps I would feel more comfortable if my holidays had been more of
what I had hoped they would be
although the past week has been wonderful
he is everything I've hoped he would be
if only the rest of the holidays had been this fulfilling
three days remaining of the summer holidays
an excessive amount of homework
an awfully dreaded australia day
and zac jorys seventeenth birthday :)
im trying my best to make it the best birthday even though I won't be
able to see him on the actual day
im still getting used to all of these emotions
finding ways to work around them without causing confliction
its becoming a much simpler task now
im also looking forward to seeing caitlin again
she returned from europe this morning
I failed to receive her postcard from paris
it must have just become lost somwhere
but im hoping to be able to see her before school returns :)
im feeling a simple form of optimism
simplicity

-

im wasting away, away from you
the words to describe how im feeling are rapidly becoming limited and
meaningless
although ecstatic could apply
currently it is just past one am, my day yesterday consisted of visiting
zac
it was a lovely day of beach, little miss sunshine, losing my third lip
piercing because of him, falling asleep and wondering about how ham is a
colour
> ____<
im not quite sure I understand
even though im appreciating him, this, the situation
the fears of abandonment and distance continue to plague me as this
progresses into something more
if I could have one thing, it would be security
I crave the most the one thing I am consistently denied
tonight I also baked chocolate and caramel brownies, played three games
of pictionary and said farewell to my sister for another night
each day is no longer a countdown until the school year begins
but rather until ill next see him, and be content once again
these feelings of self doubt, insecurity and misjudgement surely must
fade
along with every single memory along the way
I would erase it in one second if only I had the opportunity
but now im faced with this challenge
with an unclear insight on how to approach it and proper explanations
for my extravagent thoughts
time is the deciding factor, im always the victim
this will pass and he will be here
I couldn't ask for anything else

-

its peculiar to realise that my outlook can change so dramatically
there is more than one reason
but im certain that this in mainly due to one person
zac jory <3
I can literally talk to him about anything and enjoy spending every
second of my days with him
his sincerity amazes me and I adore how my heart speeds suddenly
whenever he's near
its unfortunate that this conclusion has been drawn so late into the
holidays
although im grateful I have him
im amazed at how easy everything is when im with him
and I enjoy getting no sleep because we have nothing and everything to
speak about
im adoring this, I adore him
im not going to jeopardise this like every other
he is perfection, he is mine
im not going to waste a second

-

I adore writing here
often I forget how long its been
but whenever im explaining myself in a post it gives me the chance to
actually realise what im writing,
usually dwell on it for a while before thinking anything else though
the past two days since my most recent post have been much of a blur
they consisted of only two things
work and zac jory <3
things have changed dramatically
for the better of course
I have no idea how ve come to deserve him
but somehow, for some reason I can call him mine
and that makes me happier than anything else could
I've wasted these summer holidays until now
although that always seems to be the case which is pretty unfortunate
the majority is horrible until you find a way to spend your holidays but
by then they're almost over
although it doesn't matter, im content :)
today im working almost five hours before going to zacs
im rather excited
I've also been having the discussion with friends recently about a very
important topic
which is the better superhero;
batman or spiderman?
im favouring batman along with most others but I have to admit that
batman is putting forward some interesting points
in relation to this, last night I watched the 1988 version of the batman
movie with zac
it amused me so much, its hilarious how it is filled with lame effects
and horrible jokes
im glad I watched but I came to an astounding realisation that
spiderman is the ultimate superhero c:
im going to try my best to keep these moments
they're my positive influence
I simply cannot risk losing this
until next time

-

I found this a little earlier and it thoroughly amused me for the
extended amount of time it took me to read all of it :)

GREEN EGGS AND HAM
.. ......
That Sam-I-am!....
That Sam-I-am!....
I do not like that....
That Sam-I-am!....
Do you like....
green eggs and ham?....
I do not like them,....
Sam-I-am.....
I do not like....
Green eggs and ham....
Would you like them ....
Here or there?....
I would not like them ....
here or there....
I would not like them ....
Anywhere....
I do not like ....
Green eggs and ham....
I do not like them....
 Sam-I-Am.....
Would you like ....
them in a house?....
Would you like them....
With a mouse?....
I do not like the,....
In a house....
I do not like them....
With a mouse....
I do not like them....
Here or there....
I do not like thme....
Anywhere....
I do not like green eggs and ham.....
I do not like them, Sam-I-am.....
Would you eat them ....
In a box?....
Would you eat them....
With a fox?....
Not in a box ....
Not with a fox....
Not in a house....
Not with a mouse....
 I would
eat them here or there.....
I would not eat them anywhere....
I would not eat green eggs and ham....
I do not like them, Sam-I-am.....
Would you? Could you?....
In a car?....
Eat them! Eat them! ....
Here they are....
I would not,.... 
could not,....
in a car.....
You may like them.....
You will see.....
You may like them....
In a tree!....
I would not, could not in a tree....
Not in a car! You let me be.....
I do not like them in a box....
I do not like them with a fox....
I do not like them in a house....
I do not like them with a mouse...
I do not like them here or there....
I do not like them anywhere....
I do not like green eggs and ham....
I do not like them Sam-I-am....
A train! A train!....
A train! A train!....
Could you, would you,....
On a train?....
Not on a train! Not in a tree....
Not in a car! Sam! Let me  be!....
I would not could not, in a box....
I could not would not with a fox....
I will not eat them in a house....
I will not eat them with a mouse....
I will not eat them here or there....
I will not eat them anywhere....
I do not like green eggs and ham....
I do not like them Sam-I-am.....
Say!....
In the dark?....
Here in the dark?....
Would you, could you in the dark?....
I would not, could not ....
In there dark.....
Would you, could you,....
In the rain?....
I would not could not in the rain....
Not in the dark. Not on a train....
Not in a car. Not in a tree....
I do not like them Sam you see.....
Not in a house. Not in a box....
Not with a mouse. Not with a fox....
I will not eat them here or there....
I will not eat them anywhere!....
You do not like ....
green eggs and ham?....
I do not ....
like them ....
Sam-I-am.....
Could you would you ....
with a goat....
I would not ....
could not ....
With a goat!....
Would you could you....
On a boat?....
I could not, would not on a boat....
I will not will not with a goat....
I will not eat them in  the rain....
I will not eat them on a train...
Not in the dark! Not I a tree!....
I do not like them in a box....
I do not like them with a fox....
I will not eat them in a house....
I do not like them with a mouse....
I do not like them here or there....
I do not like them ANYWHERE!....
I do not like....
Green eggs....
And ham!....
I do not like them ....
Sam-I-am.....
You do not like them ....
So you say....
Try them try them....
And you may....
Try them and you may, I say....
Sam!....
If you let me be....
I will try them....
You will see....
Say!....
I like green eggs and ham!....
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am....
And I would eat them in a boat.....
And I would eat them with a goat…....
.. ......
And I will eat them in the rain....
And in the dark and on a train.....
And in a car and in a tree....
They are so good, so good, you see! ....
So I will eat them in a box....
And I will eat them with a fox....
And I will eat them with a fox....
And I will eat them with a mouse ....
And I will eat them here and there....
Say! I will eat them ANYWHERE!....
I do so like....
Green eggs and ham!....
Thank you!....
Thank,....
Sam-Iam!....

-

its been a few days and I've been distracted
in the best way possible
I've recently met someone that makes me smile, laugh, feel stupid and I
feel comfortable
conversation is never awkward and he's just as silly as me :)
we spent a great day together where we got rainbow ice cream, waled
around town in circles, saw a movie, invaded the toy section of a
department store and had piggy back rides in the park
it wasn't awkward as I had thought it would be
simply fun
and now I find myself wanting to talk to him more and more
im realising what it is that causes true happiness
not the small pleasures that we all experience
but the deeper happiness that only some find
I feel as if im beginning to dwell in a place that can provide this
happiness and security to me
my hopes won't be kept, im going to be realistic
ill wish on every star that this worth it

-

last night I passed out in the bathroom and had a small seizure
this alarmed me, obviously
this morning I went to the doctors with mother who I hadn't seen in a
while
how convenient the only time I see her is when im at my worst
the appointment ended with a blood test and another appointment on
monday to discuss it
im quite impatient already to find out the results
hopefully all goes well and im fine :)
a movie night seems quite appealing tonight
the only problem being I have nobody to join me and no movies worth
watching
ill try and solve this
but im going to focus on getting better
this isn't exactly the distraction I had in mind

-

having positive company and being surrounded by people who I don't know
all that well therefore cannot judge
this makes me happier
its nice being around a group who I can just laugh with :)
today I went to the movies, again
and made an assortment of desserts with my sister
including chocolate profiteroles, white chocolate mudcake and lemon
cheesecake :)
within the next ten days, im working eight of them
no matter how annoyed I will be throughout this
im not actually too bothered
im earning money, spending time doing something productive rather than
sitting at home
and its a lovely distraction
I haven't spoken to him, not surprisingly
ill see how this all works out
its looking up?

-

the weathers warm, the days are short
walking
working
movies
spending time with my sister
im appreciating having these distractions
the last thing I want is time to dwell on the last few weeks
but the holidays are flying by and I have nothing to show for it
im earning money I don't have a chance to spend
im seeing people who I don't trust
and I spent so much time with the boy who really doesn't even want me
I want some sort of result from everything
I want something worthwhile to work for
I want him to actually talk to me without me having to ask
I want to have a friend who doesn't care about anything materialistic
and is as content as I am with wasting time just for the memories
I want someone to tell me that what im doing is okay
I feel as if the choices im making are either jeopardising my own or
somebody elses happiness
a slight dose of reassurance would be ever so helpful on an afternoon
like this

-

the photo mentioned in my previous blog :)

-

today my sister was given a late birthday present
a photo of (in order) joanne, rhiannon, myself and our store manager
alana
it was taken at our mcdonalds work xmas party a few weeks ago and today
was the first time id seen the photo, its most likely one of the only
general photos of myself I can tolerate
and besides, it was a very enjoyable night
:)
meanwhile, today was the definition of unusual
no.
the past two days have been equally strange and unnerving
I've caught the cold my sister has gotten rid of and have the slight
feeling of death constantly upon me
but lately it has been a time of more movies at brittanys house :)
beach three times in the past two days
burritos and star shaped cookies
cookies, mango frappe and pumpkin scallops
my first viewing of paranormal activity
and I've become more confused and tangled in my thoughts of him
its constantly awkward now
pretty sure every risk wasn't worth it and im no longer wanted or needed
although a time came last night where I actually had courage and went to
talk to him
only to discover when he opened the door that he was on the phone to his
ex girlfriend
that was my cue to leave
what was I supposed to do, ask to talk to him when he was finished and
then explain an extended response of emotion and complicated situations
:| eh, but of course maybe I should have just said it
he never replies any other way, I've tried countless times
perhaps this is where I should conclude
it shouldn't be this difficult, maybe it simply shouldn't be
im yet to decide my next plan of action
Im so pathetic, why do I have no self confidence or feeling of
independence
security is the one feeling I crave
the one feeling I cannot have
I need my friends, who all happen to be on holidays
I need to be positive
I need inspiration

-

space, distance, time
from this moment that's all I can give
knowing that no more harm can be done
ill be here waiting, hoping that this is the right decision
this morning I woke and went to the beach
it was deserted and cold, the water wasn't ideal
but it was nice regardless
im going to try and go every morning
its quite refreshing
today im going to watch a few movies
current watching the lion, the witch and the wardrobe
its becoming difficult to decide considering I've seen all of them
numerous times but im reasoning
a nice day at home until I have work this afternoon, more distraction
in relation to the image attached
another thought is of my best friend in europe
we've been talking occassionally and im yet to receive the postcard she
had sent me from paris
she comes home in fifteen days, its going to be wonderful
I miss the days of us eating oreos, making videos about shoes
going to the beach at six am
and drawing moustaches on each other
she's simply wonderful and I miss her very much
until next time,

-

take me home
id rather die than be with you
take me home
you had a problem with the truth
take me home
because this happens everytime and you knew it would
today I spent the day waking up, making tea
continuing along with the one thousand piece puzzle I fail to
understand
and then watch the complete spiderman trilogy
home alone all day, I wanted nothing more than company and someone to
spend my time with
another day I wasted away filled with thoughts of you and memories.
im still unsure why you won't even reply to me at all
even if you don't want to see me
the more ignorant you become, I get more restless
I just want to be with you again, watching movies
being happy just doing nothing except staying with you
I want the security I had on that night
the happiness of not having to leave when it got late
I don't want the jealousy I felt when she wouldn't stop calling you
I don't want the hurt that came with me leaving so you could go and see
her
I know I have to talk to you but I can't when you won't even give me
that chance
even if I can't have you
I just need to be told, closure is the one thing im being denied the
most

-

generalising is becoming a habit
ill elaborate
yesterday I caught a train to brittanys in order to have our movie night
:)
we had ice cream, rented movies which included the blair witch project
and nick and norahs infinite playlist and bought poppers, m&ms and
chocolate
the night resulted in us becoming paranoid of everything, there were
awkward situations, cute moments and growing affection
it concluded in me being confused, smitten, hopeful, wanting and unsure
whatever he is choosing is still unclear to me
hopefully I can define what he wants
hopefully I can be that
today im also taking out my hair extensions
im most likely going to regret it
im not sure, its such an impulse decision
its too late to change my mind now though
everything is meshing into large unbearable situations,
im finding it difficult to comprehend and deal
I need a better strategy

-

what do you expect me to do when you're giving me nothing back
every move I make, everything I say
is the biggest risk to me
it shouldn't be like this
when did the security fade away to uncertainty
why can't you forget her
im comparing myself to her
im competing against the girl you don't want
why.
why am I aspiring to be someone you don't want in order for you to want
me
where has the logic gone, where are my morals
where is your common sense
tell me what im supposed to do
ill do anything
at first it was a matter of how long it would take for this situation to
resolve
now im faced with the question of if it ever will
I want you, I like you
but I also want some basis of hope
I can't keep hoping
I won't let you put me through this
it has to end somewhere
conclude

-

I know I want you
I thought you wanted me as well
I want to be around you all the time
but sometimes its as if you don't know what you want
im there but im your friend
and why can't I rely on you
why is it so difficult for you to talk to me
sometimes I feel as if im taking your time away
nothing is appreciated and im getting nowhere
I would gladly be yours if only you would as me
what more can I do?
I've given and perservered
there has to be something I've missed, a bad decision I must have made
this has to be either something more or something less
this middle ground isn't as satisfying as it was when I first arrived
give me anything to go off
I can't wait for you

-

a consecutive amount of days where happiness concludes in confusion
neither negative or positive
just thoughtful
I've spent the past two days with him
each making me realise that this isn't something I want to lose,
he isn't.
he makes me smile, laugh
everything that seems like nothing
but is something to me
but the thoughts plague me
am I good enough, is there actually something here
is this temporary
but to every problem, there is always the obvious solution
essentially easier
yet nobody takes it
all there is to do is ask, question
and answers will be given
why do we insist on troubling ourselves just in case an uncomfortable
yet miniscule situation can come from it
miscommunication is a key word
im scared to know the truth
im worried I'll say something wrong
I don't want to be avoided but I feel like I am
I don't want to be too hopeful but I know its too late for that
and I know this is something worth keeping, considering there is
anything
all my time I devote to him
no matter whether I see him
no matter whether I talk to him
he's a priority now
and I really like it this way
for now, until im able to take control of this
ill allow the worries to consume me
im hoping for the best