-

this really couldn't be anymore surreal
my hopes have all been fulfilled
my happiness is increasing and once again im enjoying life without
feeling pressures or having to be conscious of every decision I make
after it being almost a week since I saw him last
I finally saw him yesterday afternoon
I can't explain how happy this made me
I can't explain how happy he makes me
the fact that he ties my stomach into knots obviously isn't ideal but it
forces me to recognise how special this is and how lucky I am to have
found him in the way I have
he's different to every other that I've considered to be "perfect"
unlike them, he is realistically perfect
they made me feel insignificant and is I had to be so much more
things are comfortable around him
this situation is so simple yet so astounding
im seeing him today
im still going to be cautious
im sure about this, yet I've been sure of the others
I can't set myself up to be let down again
I know that won't happen this time but I've also thought that before
im going to see how this works, at the same time hoping everything goes
well
I wouldn't be able to stand hurting him
neither could I bear being let down again
but nevertheless, this is what I've been waiting for
this is what I need now

-

im currently celebrating my older sisters nineteenth birthday
it is almost three am and we are playing pictionary
why is everyone drunk though?
I prepared for her birthday by making a microwave cake, writing on a
plate, blowing up fifteen balloons and figuring out plans for her party
my goal today was to make her happy,
she is the person im aspiring to be
the girl who has been there for me through everything
she's looked after me my whole life and I felt the need to make this day
perfect for her
I feel happy for the fact that I believe I did everything I could to
fulfill this wish
meanwhile, the butterflies are disappearing
im assuming this is for the fact that im becoming more confident in the
situation regarding him rather than losing faith in my ability survive
in this environment
the time interval since I saw him last is increasing
but in retrospect my doubts are decreasing
I just want to spend time with him,
any amount
just to affirm that what I've thought for the past few days could
perhaps be real
could maybe be something
could even be anything
he makes me smile but not in the usual way that others have
not by making me feel wanted or by appearing perfect
no, he makes me smile by making me feel normal
im comfortable talking to him without being fake
im truthful and yet not insecure of what will happen
im confident in my ability to succeed and that this normality is exactly
what I need in order to win this game that I've failed in the past
rounds

-

its christmas daily
im working for the majority of it
I awoke to my mother on the phone crying about how much of a failure she
believes she is
awoke to realise I should have gone to sleep earlier
and awoke to determine that im missing him more each day.
im not celebrating christmas until tonight
but so far one of my greatest christmas wishes may actually come true
its not materialistic
I just want someone and to be content and feel security and happiness
around them
im beginning to feel that I may have found that
there's only one positive right now
but recently it has overtaken and every negative aspect seems
insignificant
it can only get better, at least im hoping
merry christmas

-

another morning arrives, today in the form of christmas eve but is once
again ruined by my mother
regardless of how optimistic I am, the doubts continue to flood me and
im left unsure of my options in most aspects and situations
christmas eve and my family is more torn apart than I think I've ever
seen them
christmas eve and my friends are fighting, I don't know what to say to
any of them
from what I can find, there is only one situation in my life right now
providing me with hope
something for me to be excited for
I only want to see him
I only want to be near him and ill be content
this year, christmas could possibly the worst
everything is surrounded with chaos
but with the prospect of happiness I can never find
im disregarding the negative, I can't deal with it anymore
I have to now do what's for the best not what will make everyone happy,
that's never the best option
he could be the reason that the conclusion of this year is amazing when
in reality its the falling of everything I know

-

this is incredible, im happy
in one of the most wonderful moods
yesterday afternoon and night I spent with brittany, keiran and jesse
we went to the beach, bought chips, chocolate and ice blocks
had a picnic of tea, graps and chocolate at keirans before venturing
back to brittanys where we walked with zac and looked at christmas
lights, bought juice and frappes and then went home and watched the
wedding singer and good luck chuck
today I went to town with brittany and finished my christmas shopping
before going to lunch with brittany, seeing jesse at work and then
seeing keiran
everyones going away on holidays,
im realising once again what it feels like to miss someone
starting to recognise that one thought can make me smile
one person can make me so nervous
the past twenty four hours really have been the best hours of my
holidays so far
im pleasant, optimistic and hopeful
this is a turning point that im adoring

-

that plan was much more than a failure
im not sure how much more I can stand of this constant disappointment
carols in the domaine,
my friends leave me to talk to german travellers
don't realise I've been gone for two hours and am outside the park not
allowed back in because its over capacity
didn't seem to realise I had been crying trying to get back to them
missed the majority of the carols while sitting in the street among a
few hundred people who were also in a similar situation
it was the definition of ridiculous
I had the worst time, it rained
im disappointed in my friends, myself.
but regardless of what happened last night,
things can always get worse
living here, away from my mother has worked out pretty well, im away
from her mood swings, rages, sadness
ridiculous efforts and hopeless attempts at parenting
but no matter how far away I am from her,
of course she can always make me feel like nothing if she reallly wants
to
the carols last night now behind me,
starting to today with my mother forcing me to recognise how much of a
mindless daughter I am to her
im no longer enjoying anything
please, can this all just be over and can somehow my life be returned to
a state that I can actually control
as right now im clueless as to what im supposed to do, about anything

-

rain rain go away, come again another day
I wish it was sunny and warm but nevertheless im feeling really pleasant
right now
this morning I got my lip pierced,
which I've been wanting for such a long time :D
and also plans have been finalised for tomorrow where myself and quite a
few friends are heading up to the city to see carols in the domaine as
well as spend a day up there
it'll be pretty exhausting getting home around two am the next morning
but im super excited, especially because in sydney we're also meeting up
with some friends that live in sydney which I haven't see for almost a
year, two of my closest friends
I can't wait to see them and just talk about everything that's happened
in the past year and enjoy being surrounded by complete happiness
^_^
im adoring everything right now, almost content

-

secrets: like misery, they love company
this concept seemed more realistic every time I read it through
people get caught im moments of self doubt, times of endless gossip and
reasons to talk about others
the optimism of this can't be found
everyone has secrets, but when do secrets becone the problems that make
us miserable.
now; once again, pieces seem to be coming together to show my life as
less complicated
im sorting things out, including myself
and everything is becoming simpler
lately, spending time with a few friends has made me see that there are
more people I can trust, depend on and be myself around
no longer should I be a recluse or the failure by design I saw myself
as
im enjoying myself and I have reason to
I have much to be excited for
reasons to smile
people to spend time with
im finally gaining back my self control which has been a constant battle
over the past few months
life is busy and it really is passing quickly right now
I just need to keep up with it and make the most of what I can
I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday. 

im tired of people telling me what I can and can't do
im only sixteen but im independant and able to care for myself
I have been for most of my life
perhaps they're just all looking out for me,
but hardly anyone I need seems to be there at the appropriate time and
are always around when I can handle things by myself
im not as incapable as I may seem
im also tired of giving people the benefit of the doubt only to get
crushed by them
im a pushover
I give too many chances
im too much of a nice person and give people what they want to keep them
happy
im over it, im over being used
not being noticed
not being taken seriously
this is where it all changes

-

everyday im aprreciating my interest in life as it continues to astound
and impress me
yesterday I spent a lot of time with my sister
she is lovely, and considering we don't spend as much time together as I
would like to,
I had a really nice time yesterday
we've also planned to go christmas shopping together on thursday, im
really excited :)
as soon as I've concluded with buying all the presents that need to be
bought, im going to get my lip pierced :)
the holidays have been passing quickly already even though it has only
technically been three days.
another event that occurred yesterday was I had a conversation with a
boy that influenced basically everything I did for more than a year,
I was hopeless and wanted nothing more than him
happier times have come and we hadn't spoken in a while
talking to him yesterday made me consider all the friendships I once had
and valued but no longer have for various reasons
im going to today, try and make plans with some of my old friends,
hopefully all goes well
its now becoming a routine to stay up late with rhiannon and watch
episodes of friends before falling asleep and still waking up at a
ridiculously early hour
but right now, im appreciating having some sort of routine after my life
being in a state of panic and desperation for the past three months
im moving forward, oh so slowly
but im still getting somewhere
I can finally think through sentences without him being the conclusion
of every single one
im hopeful
im independant
im learning

-

the truth hurts, of course
but im helping
I've made the decision that prolonging the truth that could make or
break someone is never the correct choice
I would rather hurt myself than hurt them
why would anyone take any action towards anything with that definitive
moral
sure, ill make myself miserable as long everyone else is happy and won't
notice me at all
no, that's now how things should or will be from now on
I've been honest, they were hurt and that was it
no more pressure, no more expectations, no more guilt
freedom to make decisions without having to consider them first
it was never the right path to take
the past few days have proven to me that no matter how much I crave
independence,
ill always need someone to look out for me
in this case and every other in my life, its my sister
she's recently made me realise I need to take more responsibility for my
actions,
make decisions on what is best overall not best for that moment
no effects have yet arisen from this
but im expecting something positive
I've also spent some time with caitlin, one of my closest friends
we've grown up recognising each other as cupcake and muffin and sharing
a similar interest in writing exceptionally long and useless letters to
each other
we went to the city yesterday, the beach this morning and town this
afternoon
we made a playlist consisting of songs that would be appropriate for any
occassion, this consisted of;
chocolate raspberry lemon and lime, ice cream, cartoon heroes, fireflies
and lucky.
we filled our night with vampire fangs, nerd glasses and eyeliner draw
moustaches, of course.
this time I've spent with her has confirmed my thoughts that I need to
spend more time with my friends that have been there for me,
I really don't need more friends, more promises, more disappointments
I basically only need stability and good memories,
both of which my dependable friends can provide
a further addition to this post and my thoughts is a boy, he's lovely.
I spend time with him, im happy
I talk to him, I smile
he appreciates me, im content
but this time it should be different, it must
I won't make anything from something that isn't there
I have time and I have patience to accompany it
I feel a bit hurried in regards of preparations for christmas, but
that's hardly a reason for concern
school has concluded for this year
and I have time to appreciate the simplicity life can offer me

-

"most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be"

two days remaining of this school year

twenty three days remaing of this year

three terms reamining of my hsc year

all the pressure ive been feeling lately is slowly disapparating

although the thoughts resulting in my personal confusing are gathering with each minute of the day

im still hurting them, im consequently hurting myself

it must come to an end, i canot continue this way if i plan to keep any self respect

my past is becoming more distant, but i have the feeling that one reminder of it will bring it flowing back to me, and i have no idea if i could bear it

but then again, there are days i contemplate attempting to reconnect with him

in the chance that there may be something left

but im lying to myself, there isnt, there wont be and im now unsure if there ever was

but at the same time that im filled with disbelief of these mixed emotions

im relieved that much stress is drawing to a close

im spending more time with sarah than anyone else, and i enjoy myself around her

im forgetting all my problems and instead worrying about how many times to listen to "chocolate, raspberry lemon and lime", "ice cream", "muscles" or how many tim tams we can together consume.

I like the feeling that i can associate with her, careless and thougtless, freedom and aspirations

i want this to continue as the holidays progress, i want to be happy, i want to make everyone happy

as ridiculous as that sounds

these holidays will be my open opportunity to be true to myself and through that realisation

i wont lie to myself to save someone else, i wont be ignorant in order to savour happiness or a small space in time

im surrounding myself with what makes me smile

-

im completely ruining my own life
im aware of this and yet I can't stop myself
but not only am I hurting myself, im consequently hurting someone else
as well
its amazing how much someone can turn your life upside down in the space
of a few weeks
you can see them for a month and they can affect you for a year
im not happy with what im doing
im not proud, motivated
I didn't want it to be like this at all
im lying to myself making excuses for the choices im making
im also losing people to share these thoughts with and the reasons
behind them
everything im doing is so immoral that im not even sure who would accept
it
who would really understand my point of view or reasoning
right now there is only one person who knows everything, I trust her so
much and im thankful that she actually cares about me
im feeling complete indecision
I know I can make everything right and in the long term it would be
worth this small sacrifice
but I would rather fake everything until the point comes where I must
give in
must be truthful
and essentially, must tear them apart
why can I never do the right thing no matter how obvious it is
and why do I continue to fail everyone I meet

-

how long has it been since I wrote here
in real time its been two days but it feels like so much more time has
past
considering so much more has happened than I could have ever
anticipated
like water flowing into lungs; im flowing through these days
that couldn't be any more appropriate right now
I believe that with holidays being so near that im becoming careless and
thoughtless
most recently im beginning to question my personal morals
I've been making split decisions and the most recent is tearing me
between mixed thoughts
I can't hide the truth here, like I can to everyone else
making a blog devoted to my thoughts and opinions,
and simply writing what I think people would want to hear would be both
pointless and pathetic
today can either go horribly wrong or exceptionally well
only time will tell I suppose
but im also placed with the thoughts that maybe im too opinionated
does that count when you don't say your opinions though? im not sure
but in one day I've lost all respect for one person I've admired for
almost seven years
placed in my situation, I assume some people would take the opposite
team
but then again, me and my diminishing personal morals
who are we to judge others?

-

today has given me a new perspective on more than one topic
im worrying too much about things that aren't really as bad as they've
been appearing to me
such as assignments, relationships, work
sure they are reasons for stress and pressure but im sure I can deal
with them better than I have been recently
the holidays are drawing ever near and im coming to the realisation that
I have a lot of friends that care about me
im going to start focusing on strengthening the relationships I have,
because I've acquired some of the most incredible and trustworthy
friends
today was a lovely day, very busy but in a good productive way I
believe
my current annoyance of hsc work concludes in five days, I should focus
until then
im appreciating the smaller joys of life and accepting the negative;
this is how it should always have been

-

its been sitting in the back of my mind for a while now
but im starting to think more about how im living my life
and im starting to become worried
everyone has days where they don't want to be spoken to,
those days where you don't feel like laughing and you just need time to
think about everything
im having more than I care to count
im connecting it with the reasoning of school being demanding and
general pressure
I feel that everyone expects too much of me
all these hopes and dreams of others that im unable to fulfill
the year is slowly coming to and end,
I can only hope that with the beginning of a new year
it will also be the construction of a new state of mind filled with good
habits, happy people and a positive sense of worth
but of course; it isn't all bad, it never is
there are those few miraculous individuals that I adore spending time
with,
I tell them everything,
I can be anything when im with them
and I know that they'll always have time for me
there aren't many of them anymore
but they're here
rhiannon jansma
sarah love
caitlin fahey
cathleen bridgewater
they are my optimism, consciousness and reasoning