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im currently celebrating my older sisters nineteenth birthday
it is almost three am and we are playing pictionary
why is everyone drunk though?
I prepared for her birthday by making a microwave cake, writing on a
plate, blowing up fifteen balloons and figuring out plans for her party
my goal today was to make her happy,
she is the person im aspiring to be
the girl who has been there for me through everything
she's looked after me my whole life and I felt the need to make this day
perfect for her
I feel happy for the fact that I believe I did everything I could to
fulfill this wish
meanwhile, the butterflies are disappearing
im assuming this is for the fact that im becoming more confident in the
situation regarding him rather than losing faith in my ability survive
in this environment
the time interval since I saw him last is increasing
but in retrospect my doubts are decreasing
I just want to spend time with him,
any amount
just to affirm that what I've thought for the past few days could
perhaps be real
could maybe be something
could even be anything
he makes me smile but not in the usual way that others have
not by making me feel wanted or by appearing perfect
no, he makes me smile by making me feel normal
im comfortable talking to him without being fake
im truthful and yet not insecure of what will happen
im confident in my ability to succeed and that this normality is exactly
what I need in order to win this game that I've failed in the past
rounds